Resistance Is Futile
by Thai Tea Addict
Summary: Tsunako is the beautiful and mysterious younger sister of Tsuna - and also his Shadow Guardian. Adored by hitmen and Guardians alike, she has a great effect on the Vongola. The problem is Tsuna doesn't have a sister, but no one is listening to him...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: I've made a new resolution to write at least one fanfic for every one of my favorite fandoms. I decided KHR would get hit with my parody fic, mostly because this archive is starting to get bombarded with Sue-fic. (Have any of you _seen_ what has become of the Yu Yu Hakusho archive? It's practically a cesspit of Sues! I don't want to lose KHR too, dammit!) Usually there'd be several dozen of these kinds of parodies in any given archive, but KHR seems to be a bit new; I've only seen one other. Obviously you guys need more love in the Sue-Bashing arena.

**Warnings**: It's a _parody_. If you take it seriously, get a life.

**Disclamer**: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. I'm not even sure I own Tsunako, really; she's like everything horribly cliche personified. Also, much is derived from the website TvTropes.

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><p><em>"Insert emotionalnonsensical song lyrics here that have little to do with anything in this story."_

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><p>Sawada Tsunayoshi was many things: dame-Tsuna, the poor boy who couldn't do anything right; Vongola Decimo, heir to the Vongola crime family; constant victim to nearly all of his Guardians; possibly the only sane man left in Namimori...and Japan...and possibly the world. He's also the only child of Sawada Iemitsu and Nana - a fact he had been dead certain of.<p>

Which was why the current situation was incomprehensible.

"What's wrong, Tsuna-nii-chan?"

Tsuna flinched involuntarily, Hyper Intuition flaring to life with a war cry. Eyes tried to avoid the searching gaze of the person sitting at his dining room table, the person's golden irises roving up and down his form in concern. Soft, slightly-wavy golden-brown hair flew down to a slim waist, framing the delicate features of milky-white skin and full pink lips. She was wearing Namimori Middle School's girl's uniform, with a few...additions. Like fishnet tights and finger-less gloves. Overall, she looked like a schoolgirl with horrendously bad fashion taste.

"Who are you?" Tsuna asked warily. This, in his mind, was a very fair question; he had enough strange people living at his house that seeing another one pop up wasn't as surprising as it really should have been.

The girl blinked up at him, and for a moment, Tsuna could see a universe shattering in that gaze as she demurely looked down at the table. Tsuna took a step back on instinct.

"What are you talking about, Tsu-kun?" his mother asked from where she was washing up dishes. "She's your little sister, Tsunako!"

"WHAT!"

"Dame-Tsuna, don't you recognize your own family members?" Reborn scoffed from his place at the table. This startled Tsuna, as mere seconds before, _no one had been there_. Tsuna couldn't repress a little shriek of terror at the sight of his home tutor - _as an adult_.

"_Reborn_! What happened?"

The hitman merely tipped his fedora down, shadowing his eyes as he gave a predatory smirk. "Well, the author couldn't have a baby in her OC's harem, now could she?"

"_What?_"

"Reborn-sensei was my first lover," Tsunako explained, seemingly moving on from her moment of angst. "We first met when we had the same hit, before he became an Arcobaleno."

"But_ - what?_"

"Time-travel, dame-Tsuna," Reborn reminded waspishly, "Duh."

Tsuna could only gape in response. Adult!Reborn didn't seem to care, sipping at his coffee while occasionally giving Tsunako a very intense stare. Tsunako stood up gracefully - because despite being Tsuna's sister, they were complete opposites in everything and she was obviously completely flawless - and gave her mom a quick peck on the cheek.

"Come on, Tsuna-nii-chan, we're going to be late!" the girl pointed out cheerfully, grabbing her still-dumbfound brother's arm and dragging him out the door, picking up their backpacks on the way.

It didn't even occur to Tsuna that he hadn't seen Lambo, I-pin, or Bianchi at all until they got to the school gates. He was going to ask about their whereabouts, but upon remembering that he was going to ask his supposed long-lost sister who had an adult Reborn in her...harem...he decided silence was the best way to go. He also wanted to put some distance between him and the girl but the vice-like grip she was keeping on his arm prevented him from doing just that.

"Oh, and guess what, Tsuna-nii-chan! I'm in your class! I skipped a grade because I'm so smart!" Tsunako said with a wide grin, looking back at her brother with bright eyes. Tsuna's attention was still very much concentrated on freeing himself from her grip, so he made no reply - though that didn't seem to deter the girl at all. "And I can't wait to meet the rest of the Guardians!"

"You know about that?" Tsuna shrieked. Tsunako cast him a look with definite feelings of 'of course I do, you daft idiot!' and 'what am I going to do with you, my silly big brother?' Needless to say, Tsuna felt cold shivers run down his spine as her golden eyes - how the hell were they related? - began to swirl into a mesh of different colors.

"Well, it only makes sense that I know, Tsuna-nii-chan," Tsunako said impishly. "Since I'm your Shadow Guardian!"

_Ohdeargod_.

Tsuna didn't even want to ask. In fact, he decided to go back to his task of trying to free himself from her grip with renewed vigor - the more distance he could put between them, the better. From the way Reborn had been acting, it was clear the insanity was contagious.

_Like my life isn't insane enough!_ Tsuna cried mentally.

"Herbivores," a familiar voice growled. "You are blocking the school gates. Move, or I will_ bite you to death_."

Tsuna couldn't decide whether he should be terrified or relieved. There was something oddly comforting in the solidarity of Hibari's insatiable lust for violence - and _ohgod_, he was starting to regard Hibari's_ Reign of Terror_ as _sane_! He really _was_ desperate!

"Hibari-san!" Tsuna managed out of a dry throat, trying to convey with nothing but his eyes that the girl attached to him was obviously Not Of Namimori and that she should be Taken Care Of. Preferably Hibari would also take care of Adult!Reborn, because honestly, Tsuna really didn't have it in him for his tutor's out-of-character romanticism.

"Oh! It's Kyou-chan!" Tsunako gasped in pleasant surprise, releasing Tsuna and pivoting to attach herself to the arm of one of the most dangerous - if not _the_ most dangerous (Mukuro and Reborn are damn terrifying too!) - men in Namimori. Tsuna was witness to Hibari staring at the girl as realization finally dawned in dark eyes.

"Tsunako-chan?" Hibari asked, apparently taken off guard.

Tsunako giggled, nodding her head as she cuddled the prefect's arm. "That's right, Kyou-chan~! I was finally freed from Vendicare!"

Tsuna was struck speechless as Hibari enveloped the girl in his arms with a bright smile. His mind had automatically blanked out in defense mode, but apparently that wasn't enough as it kicked back into gear when Hibari stuttered out something like "I've missed you, omnivore," while blushing a light pink.

Tsuna backed away, wondering if he could run fast enough and just forget this ever happened. In fact, he was currently trying to mind-bleach himself just to destroy the disturbing mental image of Hibari _smiling_ and _blushing_.

"I still remember my last night in Namimori, Kyou-chan. You...you made it _special_," Tsunako said, and on cue dreamy little bubbles and sparkles flew around the two. Hibari held her closer, a loving look on his face as he gazed into Tsunako's aquamarine eyes.

_There will never be enough mind bleach_, Tsuna cried, still backing away.

"Eh? Where are you going, Tsuna-nii-chan? We have to walk to homeroom together!" Tsunako pointed out brightly. She tiptoed to place a chaste kiss on Hibari's cheek - the prefect going a darker shade of red in response - before twirling back to Tsuna's side to reclaim his arm. Tsuna couldn't say anything as he was literally dragged away, not that he had anything to say; his mind had decided 'static' was the best setting right now, purely out of fear.

"See you later, Kyou-chan~!" Tsunako called back.

Tsuna let himself be dragged - mostly because he was trying to will himself into unconsciousness - through the school corridors, blocking out the startled-turned-adoring looks as his peers caught sight of his 'sister'. Whispers sprang up, peppered with both infatuation and envy as eyes roved up and down Tsunako's slender, curves-in-all-the-right-places form, took in her blemish-less face, her large, color-changing eyes, her trendy, cut-throat style!

"I don't remember the classroom being this far," Tsuna noted brokenly.

They did manage to reach their classroom with minimum difficulty, despite the girls glaring at Tsunako with atypical jealousy as the boys practically salivated themselves at the sight of her. Tsuna regained his footing so he could at least walk into the classroom under his own power, though it didn't deter Tsunako from reattaching herself to his arm.

"Tenth! Good morning!" Gokudera shouted, jumping to his feet and rushing to his beloved boss without pause. "I apologize for not walking you to school today, I ran into my sister this morning and-" the dynamite-lover abruptly cut off as he finally noticed what was attached to the brunette.

"_Who the hell are you_?" Gokudera demanded at once, fury sweeping over his visage. "And how dare you touch the Tenth so casually!"

"Well, how rude!" Tsunako snapped, affronted. "I'm his little sister! And I guess you're supposed to be Tsuna-nii-chan's Storm Guardian and right-hand man? You aren't a very good one, if you didn't even know about me..."

"L-Little sister?" Gokudera echoed, paling rapidly.

"No she's not!" Tsuna fervently denied. "I don't know who she is, but ever since she appeared everyone's been acting so _weird_-"

"Forgive me!" Gokudera interrupted, throwing himself to the floor in apology. "I had no idea! I really am a rotten right-hand man!"

"No, wait, Gokudera-kun-" Tsuna started before being abruptly cut off _again_.

"Don't say that, Hayato-kun!" Tsunako cried, tears welling up in her expressive violet eyes. "It's not your fault! Of course you don't know me! I've been in secret, intense training since I was barely two years old! As Tsuna-nii-chan's Shadow Guardian, I was kept hidden by the Ninth so that I could become the ultimate assassin!"

"_Why does your background story keep changing?_" Tsuna snapped.

As usual, he was ignored. "But I just wanted to be a normal girl! I wanted to have friends, I wanted to spend time with my family, I wanted to go to school and karaoke bars and paint my nails! But instead I had to catch my own food with my bare hands, and sleep in the snow with nothing but a thin blanket to keep me warm!" Tsunako threw herself into Gokudera's arms, sobbing hysterically. The boy held her gently, whispering sweet comforts into her ear as tears ran down his face in compassion.

Tsuna felt like crying too, but for a completely different reason, "Can class just start now?"

"Hi Tsuna! Hi Gokudera!"

Tsuna stared past the sobbing duo to lock eyes with Yamamoto, who had stepped in with his usual smile. _Is Yamamoto going to start acting weird too?_ Tsuna wondered, keeping a cautious eye on the baseball player as he gave him a hesitant greeting.

"What happened?" Yamamoto asked, stepping around the now-sniffling pair to be at Tsuna's left. He just looked pleasantly confused by what was going on, as if finding all of the girls in the class glaring like stilted harpies and the guys suffering from blood loss due to constant nosebleeds, with a weeping Gokudera caught up in a girl's arms, was completely normal.

So, all in all, typical Yamamoto.

"I don't know," Tsuna replied hollowly. "I woke up to her in my house. She claims she's my sister, and mom said she was - but I know she's not! - and Reborn was an adult, and Hibari-san was blushing, and now Gokudera-kun is crying all over her, and she keeps changing her background story - _I don't know what's going on!_" he finished on a slightly more hysterical note.

"So who is she?" Yamamoto asked, still watching amicably as Gokudera and Tsunako separated, eyes slightly puffy and red but both looking overall pleased.

"She said her name is Tsunako," Tsuna answered.

Yamamoto's eyes suddenly went misty.

"**It sounds to me as if she is a version of you, created for the sole purpose of pulling others into her web to either be romanced by them or so that they can feel sorry for her, as made obvious by her Tragic Past**," Yamamoto deduced airily.

Tsuna was now staring at him, eyes ripped away from the sparkling pair still holding hands.

"What?"

"**Of course, she will have none of your flaws, as they are unattractive - leaving her as an empty shell, the embodiment of Physical Perfection but lacking any true character depth. Her only flaws will be her temper and her stubbornness, though these supposed 'flaws' will never hurt her in the long run. Her beauty is so great that it will be seen as a Curse for her, and her Kaleidoscope Eyes are obviously meant to show her emotions as they are,**"

"Er," Tsuna cast a look at the girl. Sure enough - her eyes had once again changed. Emerald, this time.

"**Our previously-established personalities change for her; that's why Hibari is acting like a schoolgirl and Reborn keeps giving her moony eyes. Gokudera is already changing. She appears to be a mix of several Types, such as Black Hole, Copy Cat, Relationship, Sympathetic, and Fixer Su-**"

"What are you two talking about?" Tsunako interrupted cheerfully.

Yamamoto blinked, giving the girl a clueless smile. "Huh?"

Tsuna was too horrified to speak.

"Hayato-kun will be a great right-hand man for you, Tsuna-nii-chan!" Tsunako stated, giving the blushing bomber a wide smile. Gokudera stuttered out a "Thank you!" while shyly refusing to meet the girl's eyes.

"**Wish Fulfillment**," Yamamoto said, eyes once again glazing over.

"What?" Tsunako blinked.

"Nothing!" Tsuna cried, stomping on his friend's foot to snap him out of it. The baseball player came back to himself with nothing more than a confused smile.

The quartet were hushed (in other terms, Tsuna and Yamamoto were saved from Tsunako's curious stare) when their homeroom teacher entered. "Alright, everyone, sit down! I need to introduce a new student! She just returned from her study abroad in the United States."

Tsunako seemingly materialized at the front of the class, smiling brightly at her peers. Kyoko and Hana stared at her in polite confusion, whereas all the other girls practically had fire spitting from their eyes.

"She's cute!"

"Hey baby, what's your number?"

"Don't talk to the Tenth's sister like that, _I'll kill you!_" Gokudera snapped, dynamite in hand.

Tsunako ignored the ruckus with grace. "Konnichiwa! I am the super-kawaii Sawada Tsunako, Tsuna-nii-chan's imouto! Anou... Everyone ga suki desu! Honto! Dozo yoroshiku!"

Tsuna stared at her, lost. "Was...was that supposed to be Japanese?"

"**Fanpanese**," Yamamoto corrected, eyes blank.

"Stop doing that! She'll start to notice!"

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><p>Lunch couldn't have come sooner. Tsuna had practically attached himself as another limb to Yamamoto, pulling the taller boy out of the classroom before either Tsunako or Gokudera could deign to look in their direction. (Which was fine, as Tsunako had apparently made lunch plans with "Kyou-chan" and Gokudera was too busy tailing her like a lovesick puppy to notice their departure.) The roof seemed to be the safest place to go, as it had become their unofficial hangout spot.<p>

Naturally, Tsuna had to use his _Mafia Boss Powerz_ (which involved looking really sad and dejected, complete with puppy eyes directed at an oblivious Yamamoto) to gather other members of what he now termed The Resistance.

"So you're sure she isn't your sister?" Kurokawa Hana asked again, biting viciously into a yakisoba roll. Tsuna nodded miserably and tried to curl more into himself, wondering if he could just expire through the sheer mortification of being even remotely tied to Tsunako.

"She's a bit weird," Kyoko allowed softly, which translated into _'what the hell is up with her?_' in the tongues of normal people. "When I went to buy my lunch, she was already starting to talk back to the cheerleaders. Which is odd, because we don't have cheerleaders..."

"**Plot moves according to her whims, anything else be damned**," Yamamoto said.

The two girls gave him a strange look but Tsuna just waved them off with a hollow, "He does that sometimes."

"Well, we obviously have to do something about her!" Hana huffed. "She's flirting with my future boyfriend! Ryohei should know better than to flex his muscles for other girls," she growled, an unholy light in her eyes.

"Hana-chan, you're breaking Canon with Knowledge of the Future that you shouldn't know," Kyoko pointed out serenely, handing her friend a bottle of apple juice.

"Sorry, I guess she's starting to get to me too," Hana said, taking a meditative sip from her beverage. She gave to two boys across from her a level look. "Do you guys know anyone that could, I don't know, get rid of her?"

Tsuna was about to point out that if the head of the Disciplinary Committee - a Committee that could_ hide bodies_ - wasn't capable of fighting against his alleged sister, what hope could they possibly have when his epiphany hit. He immediately paled at the thought of his next plan of action.

"I know someone," Tsuna whimpered, evil chuckles and purple pineapples dancing in his mind, "But he's in Kokuyou Land. What if she tries to stop me?"

Hana crushed the bottle in her hand, "We can handle her. It looks like Kyoko is immune and as long as she's around me, I should be able to remain sane."

Tsuna didn't look too thrilled about leaving the girls behind - especially after recalling the absence of his other housemates. What if Tsunako had gotten rid of Bianchi and the kids? Would she get rid of Kyoko and Hana too, if they didn't conform?

"Tsuna-kun, we'll be fine!" Kyoko assured him. "You need to go find help! Otherwise we'll never get Onii-chan, Gokudera-kun, or Hibari-san back!"

Tsuna grimaced but nodded in resolution. If he wanted any of his friends to survive this, he had to act fast; he couldn't dawdle out of fear. "Come on, Yamamoto - we have to go see Chrome."

"Now?" Yamamoto blinked. "Won't Hibari kill us for skipping school?"

"He's already lost," Hana hissed. "Get this Chrome now before we lose them all for _good_!"

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><p><strong>End Chapter One<strong>

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><p><strong>AN**: In case you hadn't figured it out, Yamamoto is channeling TvTropes. XD This 'story' should be fairly short, maybe just one or two chapters left. Depends on how much I can squeeze into the next chapter. Don't ask about the timeline; it's floating up there somewhere. (Poor timeline.)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Hahahaha... _Varia_.

**Warnings**: This is a parody of pretty much everything, including but not limited to: Mary Sues, cliches, BL, etc...

**Disclaime**r: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn or...Pokemon... (This chapter really disturbs me.) Also, if any of these "original characters" remind you of some other OC, it's probably because of the cliche.

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><p><em>Somewhere in Italy<em>

Lussuria, for the first time in his life, was struck speechless. His body was held rigid against the wall furthest from the _insanity _going on across the room, which he was steadfastly aware that only he was obviously sane enough to realize it was, indeed, _insanity_.

"Ah, it's Lussuria-nee-chan!"

Lussuria promptly got a mouthful of purple. Spitting out the gleaming violet strands of hair, he pushed the-_the thing_ away from him, holding it at arms length before it could get its scrawny arms around his waist again. The girl - _thing _- was short, about five feet estimated, with a slender body that didn't stop her from having a voluptuous chest that bounced with every step. She was wearing skin-tight leather pants and a black vest that showed her stomach - _Who gave this girl fashion advice, biker gangs?_ - and silver bracelets and necklaces jingled with her every move. Her skin was pale, almost porcelain, and it stood in stark contrast to her sweeping violet mane held back in a loose ponytail.

"What are you?" Lussuria knew that _it _certainly wasn't human; humans didn't get to cuddle with Xanxus.

The girl pouted at him cutely, "What do you mean, 'Nee-chan? I'm the Varia's new cloud Guardian! It's me, Fuyuharu Natsuaki!"

"Ushishishishi~ What's going on? Is that baka bothering the prince's princess?" Belphegor cackled from the couch, knives in hand with a wide grin.

Xanxus glared from his own spot on his favorite armchair, "Let go of _my _girl, trash!"

Natsuaki giggled, pulling away from a dumbfound Lussuria and skipping over to her newly-established harem. Setting herself on Xanxus' lap, she basked in the attention of the males around her; Xanxus and Belphegor were showering her with praises and Squalo was admiring her shiny, shiny hair.

"Aaaah~h! I don't understand what's going on at all!" Lussuria sighed, clutching his feather boa closer to himself. The others in the room ignored him, though Lussuria found their party oddly lacking.

"Eeeh~? Where's Levi-A-Than?" he asked the room at large.

"Who?" Squalo questioned, giving Lussuria a strange look.

"Levi-A-Than! Our Thunder guardian!" Lussuria hissed.

"Who?"

"Le-you know what? Never mind." Clearly his fellow Varia members were being controlled by something. Lussuria couldn't care less about them, but there was _Xanxus_! He must find a way to free his boss from this unhealthy influence!

"The Thunder pervert is missing."

Lussuria jumped, slamming back into the wall at the monotone admission. He looked down, blinking at the sight of a giant frog hat worn by the teal-haired teen. "_F-Fran_? What are _you _doing here?"

Fran looked down at himself plaintively, "I think I'm the Varia's Mist Guardian."

"But this isn't the Future! It should be Marmon!"

Fran glanced at the girl across the room, "I know. I don't understand it either."

Lussuria also looked in the girl's direction, but both members of the Varia looked away when Natsuaki waved at them cheerfully.

"I think we should pay a visit to my Master," Fran suggested easily, strolling out of the room and away from the Influence.

Lussuria followed, steadfastly ignoring the sound of Xanxus _laughing cheerfully._

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><p>Kokuyo Land was as run-down as Tsuna remembered, and he made a mental note to suggest moving his less-than-amiable Mist Guardians and their cohorts somewhere else. He's sure the Vongola has funds for that, especially with the way that Giannini keeps destroying every weapon he tunes up.<p>

"What nice weather!" Yamamoto cheered.

"Yeah, it's great," Tsuna replied distantly, more concerned with the dark corridors they were walking through. Mukuro wouldn't start throwing illusions at them just for the hell of it, would he? Tsuna had made sure to pull on his best Serious Business expression - basically him looking very scared and on the verge of tears. (This expression usually only worked on Gokudera, though...)

"Oya, oya, what's this? Sawada Tsunayoshi has paid me a visit~"

Tsuna didn't shudder, already too traumatized from the morning full of Tsunako to truly fear Mukuro at this point. The illusionist seemed to catch this change, leaning forward in the ragged sofa he was seated on. Ken and Chikusa were sitting on the ground, munching on some of the gathered snacks, while Chrome had taken residence in the very corner of the room and looked up at her boss in confusion.

"Mukuro, we need your help," Tsuna began, looking around the room just to be sure Tsunako hadn't materialized herself over here. Who knew what the girl was truly capable of? "Something weird is going on in Namimori."

"Kufufufu... And why should I care what happens in Namimori? Why don't you have Kyoya-kun take care of it, since he loves his city so much~"

Tsuna cleared his throat, looking away from peering heterochromatic eyes, "Th-That's the thing. She got Hibari-san."

Dead silence met this, and Tsuna chanced a look at Mukuro's face. The pineapple-esque man had assumed a blank expression, which meant he had to _explain_.

"Who?" Chrome asked, in place of Mukuro's (frightening) silence.

"This girl who suddenly appeared. Her name is Tsunako, and she says she's my sister - but she isn't!" Tsuna replied, looking between his two Mist guardians. Mukuro's eyes had narrowed at this information, so the Vongola boss took it as a request to further explain. "When I woke up, Bianchi and the kids were gone and Reborn was an adult! She and Reborn were lovers before he became an Arcobaleno because she time-travelled or something. Mom said Tsunako was like my long-lost little sister, and now she's enrolled at Namimori. Apparently she broke out of Vendicare-"

"Only Mukuro-sama can do that!" Ken snapped, insulted on his leader's behalf.

"-and she knows Hibari-san from before; I think they slept together. Then she told Gokudera-kun that she was trained in secret from when she was two to become my Shadow Guardian and then they spent ten minutes just _crying _together! Then Onii-san spotted her in the hall and kept trying to get praised by her for his muscles. _Everyone _in school is acting weird - all the guys are in love with her and the girls are jealous. Except for Kyoko-chan and Kurokawa-san..."

"...So let me get this straight," Chikusa spoke up, face blank, "She's a time-travelling ex-convict that was trained in secret as your Shadow Guardian who's had romantic relationships with both Reborn _and _Hibari, has become Gokudera's newest fixation, and has earned the attention of everyone in the school for simply existing?"

"Yes!" Tsuna cried, glad someone finally understood how _absurd _it all was.

"This is complete bullshit!" Ken growled, jumping to his feet. "That bombing psycho would never leave your side for someone else! He's completely obsessed with you!"

"**Stalker with a Crush**," Yamamoto intoned.

It was sad how used to that Tsuna was becoming.

Mukuro rose from his seat, a small scowl on his lips. "I see. I also happen to know what it is we're facing, but first let me ask you this - do you start to act strange around this girl as well, Tsunayoshi-kun?"

Tsuna shook his head after a small contemplation, "No, but my Hyper Intuition keeps warning me about her. I could just tell something was weird with her. Yamamoto is relatively the same too, except when he does those random explanations..."

"What random explanations?" Yamamoto asked, perplexed.

"Never you mind, Takeshi-kun," Mukuro waved off. "And besides those two girls, is there anyone else...immune?"

"Not that I know of," Tsuna mourned. "Well, Gokudera-kun was saying he saw Bianchi-san this morning, so maybe she ran off with the kids to somewhere safe?" He could only hope.

"Perhaps," Mukuro mused. "Although the root of the problem lies with this 'Tsunako'. I've only encountered this creature once before."

"Really?" Tsuna gasped. "Where? What is she?"

Mukuro grimaced, recalling _very _unpleasant memories, "On the seventh path of Hell. She has many names and forms, but she retains the same properties - I expect Takeshi-kun has already started listing off her attributes."

"**She's so beautiful that she inspires either love or envy as soon as she is in sight**."

Mukuro twitched, "It took the Classic route? That's rare for it, these days... It must have something else planned..."

"What is it?" Tsuna asked worriedly. "Is she even human?"

"Of course it isn't, Tsunayoshi-kun," Mukuro scoffed. "Do you really think Kyoya-kun can fall in love with a human?"

Tsuna had to concede that point.

"So how do we take care of her, pyon?" Ken asked.

Mukuro grimaced, "There are a variety of, ah - _methods_..."

* * *

><p>"Has this place always looked like this?" Fran asked, staring apathetically up at the thick, grey clouds hanging over Namimori. The only thing missing was the rain and lightning, but as far as the two Varia were concerned, the strange halo of light shining down from the center of the clouds was what really got their attention.<p>

"What are the chances that she got here before we did?" Fran posed.

"Oh, I certainly hope not! Then how will we save Boss~?" Lussuria whined.

"Oh my _gawd _- is that the _Varia_?"

The two members of the mentioned group reluctantly turned at the unfamiliar voice, half-expecting another mouthful of purple. Fortunately for them, the owner of said voice had neither purple hair or any immediate interest in invading their personal space. Mostly because she was already invading the personal space of a vaguely familiar redhead.

"You should go with them," Kozato Enma immediately said, face blank but eyes practically begging to be saved. The girl attached to him merely giggled, grinning up at him shyly. She had shoulder-length raven hair with green streaks, wide amber eyes that shined with undilated light and the stars of the universe, flawless pale skin that didn't look at all unhealthy, and a petite figure that was sleekly dressed in the Shimon uniform.

"Oh no, you have one too!" Lussuria positively shrieked.

"There's more?" Enma asked, looking more horrified by the second.

The girl pouted at them, "More what? Anyway, it doesn't matter - I need to introduce myself!" Fran's dry "_Please don't,_" went ignored as she continued on, "I'm Sakura Megumi Luna Hikaru Phoenix Elfina Neko Red Blue Gold Silver Ruby Sapphire Diamond Pearl Reborn Lal Shimon!"

Silence met this proud declaration.

"She's not kidding," Enma offered bleakly. "She showed me her ID. It's all on there."

Fran was clearly not impressed. "You named yourself after the Pokemon video game series?"

"You know, Japanese people don't even have middle names," Lussuria pointed out.

"Whatever, I do because I'm cool like that," Sakura blah blah blah Lal Shimon waved off. For the convenience of the author, she will now be referred to as PokéFan. "So I'm actually not even from this world, I'm from an alternate universe-slash-real world where I was killed in a hit-and-run. When I woke up in the hospital, I was in this world! I love this anime!"

"You should have just stayed dead," Fran commented. "We could always help you with that."

PokéFan looked appropriately horrified.

"Don't bother, I already tried," Enma interjected. "It's like she just nullified all the attacks. I can shoot her from point-blank range and the bullet would never leave the barrel."

"By the way, where is your Family, Kozato-kun?" Lussuria asked. The Shimon didn't always shadow their boss's steps, but surely even they would notice the parasite that had latched on to the boy?

Enma scowled at the girl still attached to him, "I think she ate them. One moment they were all trying to kill her, the next thing I know they're all gone and she's unharmed."

"I didn't eat them!" PokéFan exclaimed, appalled.

"Well," Lussuria cocked his head, "That certainly leads to a different interpretation to the phrase '_Gotta catch 'em all_', doesn't it?"

"_Pay attention to me!_"

* * *

><p>Tsuna was used to doing things - unspeakable, terrifying things - for his loved ones. He'd gone head-to-head with an illusionist that went through Hell in both the literal and figurative senses, fought a psychotic assassin with anger issues, got blasted ten years into the future to fight another psychotic mafia boss, went through trials just to claim a title he would forever keep denying, fought a rival famiglia who held a grudge for <em>over 400 years<em> that they eventually learned was entirely fabricated - _all _for his loved ones. If anything, you'd think Tsuna would be used to putting his life on the line on a day-to-day basis.

Today just wasn't his day.

"I don't think I can do this," Tsuna whimpered, still half-heartedly clinging to the ruins of Kokuyou Land. "I mean, I really don't think I can do this. It's just-Is there really no other way?"

"Tsunayoshi-kun, stop whimpering," Mukuro growled, grabbing the other boy's arm and practically dragging him off. "The only other way isn't accessible to us right now - we'd need someone like the Poison Scorpion for that."

"**Crack Pairing**," Yamamoto labeled instantly. It was just the three of them currently; after giving a mini-lecture on what Tsunako was and what she was weak against, Mukuro had decided it would be better for them to split up. He'd sent Chrome with both Chikusa and Ken to seek out the missing members of the Vongola and find any others immune; Tsuna and his group would act as the diversion to keep Tsunako occupied.

"So why don't you-"

Mukuro whirled to face the other boy, smile wide and frightening. "What was that, Tsunayoshi-kun?"

"...nothing."

"Good boy," Mukuro chuckled, turning back around and continuing to drag the reluctant heir of the Vongola crime family behind him. Yamamoto was easily keeping pace, seemingly enjoying the warm sunshine.

"_Here_ you guys are!"

Tsuna balked at the familiar voice, practically flying behind Mukuro to use as a personal shield. Mukuro ignored the younger boy, instead turning his attention to the owner of the voice who was approaching with an entourage.

Tsunako grinned brightly at the three of them, reaching the trio first as the other Guardians hurried to catch up with the girl's quick pace.

"You're EXTREMELY fast, Tsunako-chan!" Ryohei congratulated brightly, panting.

"And you found them so quickly! As to be expected of the Shadow Guardian!" Gokudera fanboy'd.

"Hn, your skills haven't slackened at all, omnivore," Hibari grunted.

Tsuna clutched at Mukuro's sleeve, gesturing wildly to the group who were salivating over the lone girl present. "See what I mean? How is '_that' _gonna cure this?"

Mukuro ignored him, glancing over at Yamamoto, "You know what you have to do, right?"

Yamamoto's eyes narrowed, face going serious as he gave a sharp smile. "Yeah, it's just like one of those dating sim games, right? I've never played one before, so this should be fun."

"So what were you guys doing out here?" Tsunako asked innocently, although her eyes rested solely on Mukuro in a clear evaluation. Mukuro remained indifferently smiling under her gaze, even as he released his grip on Tsuna.

"Yo, Gokudera!" Yamamoto greeted, smiling cheerfully as he sidled up to the silver-haired boy. For his part, the chain-smoker looked surprised at being addressed and perturbed at the subsequent invasion of his personal space.

"Baseball-idiot, don't ignore Tsunako-sama's-"

Gokudera's chiding was immediately cut short as Yamamoto leaned forward and kissed him.

Tsuna looked away. _Find my happy place, find my happy place, find my happy place!_

Mukuro just looked grim, "Be ready, Tsunayoshi-kun; this particular Shounen Ai Tactic may be too light to really have any effect."

Tsuna cringed even more into himelf. _Happy place, happy place, __**happy place**_-

Yamamoto pulled back, eyes sharp as he regarded the silver-haired boy he'd pretty much just sexually assaulted. Gokudera's slack-jawed disbelief quickly moved into undilated fury-

"I knew it! You and Takeshi-kun make such a cute couple, Hayato-kun!" Tsunako declared with a proud smile.

-before just as quickly morphing into embarrassed adoration. The bomber gazed up at Yamamoto with a look of absolute devotion. "Yes...despite threatening his life numerous times, insulting him constantly, and being a vicious yandere for the Tenth, I've always loved Yamamoto. Takeshi, let's make man-babies!"

_HAPPY PLACE HAPPY PLACE HAPPYPLACE**HAPPYPLACE**_-

"Tsunayoshi-kun, stop crying," Mukuro hissed.

"You said Boys Love would work against her!" Tsuna whined, keeping his death grip on Mukuro's sleeve. (Which should speak volumes about just how desperate he was.)

Mukuro's eyes narrowed. "It's evolved since I've last seen it. The one down in Hell tried to dismember me when I cast an illusion of Boys Love."

He evaluated Tsunako coldly as she proceeded to fangirl over the new couple of Yamamoto and Gokudera, "And she's learned some proper grammar and spelling. She used to speak only in chatspeak."

"Now what do we do? Boys Love isn't working!" Tsuna pointed out, voice edging closer into hysteria. If Reborn had been nearby and in his right mind, this would have been the perfect opportunity for a roundhouse kick to the head.

"Boys Love might still work; she's lost at least one love interest, at any rate. At least it isn't the harem type..." Mukuro trailed off, giving Hibari and Ryohei a dark look. He followed their loving gazes back over to Tsunako, his lips still twisted down into a frown. Boys Love hadn't proved to be effective enough, but right now it was all they had.

"I really love the 8059 pairing!" Tsunako squealed. "Especially how you two always bicker like an old married couple!

"**Slap Slap Kiss Mentality**," Yamamoto called out instantly.

"Oh god, does he have a label for _everything_?" Tsuna wondered aloud to himself.

"You know, Tsunayoshi-kun, your sister actually has quite the impressive style," Mukuro noted, staring at the girl's fishnets and decorative chains with clear desire.

Tsuna, nerves on edge, slapped him.

"...thank you," Mukuro muttered, rubbing his offended cheek and resolutely shirking away from the completely out-of-character desire for everything Tsunako.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: To be perfectly honest, I find my little comedy trio of Enma, Lussuria, and Fran completely endearing. XD And I have nothing against biker gangs, mostly because my best friend's lifelong dream is to join one and she keeps waxing poetic about it...

Yeah, so this will probably be five chapters. I blame PokéFan.

_Drop a review, please_!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: So, uh, this story is probably gonna be five chapters. I was perfectly content with three, until one of my beloved reviewers suggested some fun ideas that I decided needed to be put in as well. So everyone can blame **Polar Pig** for any trauma incurred after this story is finished. (Love you lots, by the way! Thanks for the ideas!) Don't be afraid to throw things at me, guys; if you think you've seen one terrible cliche too many times in this fandom and I have stupidly forgotten to include it, tell me~ Let us vent our frustrations through this story!

On another note, I apologize for taking so long to update. Besides getting distracted by my other stories and school, I have to be honest; the ideas and plot notes for this story - and yes, goddammit, this thing _actually has a plot_ - disturbed me. I mean, I thought the Sues were bad, and then somehow_ it just got worse_. I cringe every time I think about the last two chapters.

**Warnings**: Some part of me died writing this chapter.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn, TvTropes, Pokemon, the Void... (Why is this part growing every chapter?)

**Pairings**: (starts laughing maniacally and looks away) Just...prepare yourself.

Oh, and thanks to everyone who reviewed! If I haven't gotten around to replying to you yet, I'm sorry - I'll get there. Eventually. Just assume I've gone into a catatonic state (courtesy of all the crack in this story) until I do.

* * *

><p>Darkness stretched out in all directions, offering no sense of time, of gravity, of life. There was no discernible light, no echoes, not even a damn place to sit down. That was the Void - a place borne from the ruins of Creativity and Originality.<p>

"Ah shit - hey Sexy, do you mind kicking me over to my family?"

Bianchi twitched, attempting to turn around but only managing to twist her torso so she could see behind her; sure enough, Katou Julie was floating towards her with a wide smile. As soon as he got within range, she twisted backwards so that her feet met with his chest, using him as a launching pad and pushing the both of them in opposite directions.

"Thank yooouuuu!" Julie called out, propelling backwards as if he was swimming in honey.

"You better not be doing anything stupid, Julie!" Adelheid's voice snapped out, and Bianchi was able to spot the voluptuous girl floating about seven meters away. The Liquidation Committee member brushed by a scowling Lal Mirch - still in baby form - who was glaring over at Collonello contentedly napping about ten meters downwards.

"BOOOOSSSSSUU!" Levi-A-Than called out for what felt like the thousandth time since they had been trapped in the Void. Bianchi would have loved to hit him with some of her cooking, but the Void didn't exactly allow any of their weapons inside. This, however, didn't seem to stop Marmon from kicking him in the head, sending the infant spiralling more upwards.

"Varia-chan, there's no point trying to go up," Julie pointed out, reclining languidly as he passed under Fon's feet. "Face it - we're stuck here in this limbo."

I-Pin sniffled pathetically in Bianchi's arms. The Poison Scorpion held the little girl closer, trading a concerned look with a contemplative Fon. The holder of the Storm Pacifier glanced over at Verde, who was glaring up at the endlessness that was the Void. The mad scientist had seen fit to forcing Skull upwards earlier, but then they realized that after a certain distance, they could simply go no further; it still felt as if they were floating, they just weren't actually going anywhere.

"Well, it could be worse," Kusakabe pointed out, doing some kind of weird arm-flapping motion as he passed by the unconscious bodies of what remained of the Cavallone famiglia. His fellow prisoners gave him wide-eyed, disbelieving looks, prompting a scowl.

"Remember what happened to _Lambo_?"

As one, they all shuddered. I-Pin abruptly burst into tears.

There were just some fates worse than death.

* * *

><p>Miura Haru can't really remember what her life had been like before she had come across Tsunako. It had been a shallow existence, of course, as she had needed Tsunako to show her what she could really be - a strong, independent woman who could do anything she put her mind to and had guys falling all over themselves for just a smile from her. (With noticeable stress on the 'men enamored with her' part, because - oddly enough - for being such a strong, independent woman, she still needed men's lust for every particle of her being to reaffirm her own importance.) She could kill like an experienced assassin, analyze like a genius, strut her stuff like a model - there was no limit to what she could do! Who needed things like a personality, a sense of humor, basic insecurities that made her human - one "witty" line and she had men eating out of her hands!<p>

"Haru-chan?" Kyoko asked, brown eyes wide as she peered at her friend. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?"

"What are you talking about, Kyoko-chan?" Haru asked mistily. "I've always gone to Namimori. You've just never noticed because I've been hiding my radiance in the shadows!" Suddenly, Haru became furious, gesturing wildly at a confused Kyoko. "No, you noticed, didn't you, you little bitch? Did you think just because I was unpopular you could get away with tormenting me?"

"Wh-What?" Kyoko asked, wide-eyed.

"Well not anymore! I won't be bullied by you any longer, Sasagawa Kyoko!"

"Haru-chan, wait, _listen _to me-"

"I'll tell everyone what a bitch you really are! I'll punch your face in! I'll steal Tsuna away from you, then Hibari, then Yamamoto, then Gokudera-"

"Haru-chan, what are you talking about?"

"-Then we'll get married and have lots of kids and they'll be the next super-powered generation and you'll just be an ugly old hag dying alone in some alleyway and-"

"Kyoko, move!" Hana instructed. "She's obviously infected!"

Hana grabbed her friend's wrist, pulling her along and away from the madly raving girl. Kyoko followed but couldn't help but look back; Haru was still ranting into empty air. "But Hana-chan! Haru-chan is-"

"We have to wait for Sawada and the others to come back! She can't be saved yet, Kyoko!" Hana pointed out, slamming the door to the school's rooftop closed and propping a chair up against it. Right now the rooftop served as their homebase, as the student body had entered some kind of weird trance after Tsunako had taken off with her newfound harem.

"How did she get to Haru-chan?" Kyoko asked, distressed. "She goes to another school!"

"I suppose we should assume she's infected all of Namimori..." Hana mused.

They really were outnumbered. While for the most part everyone was ineffectual, there were still a few questionably-coherent individuals walking about that could do some serious damage to their health and sanity. Hana had gone to check on the Disciplinary Committee but instead found not even the barest traces of Kusakabe and the others. It was simply like they didn't exist; where had all of Hibari's men gone?

"Sawada and the others better hurry up - I just want to go home and pretend none of this ever happened..." Hana muttered to herself.

"Do you mean Tsuna? As in my idiotic student?"

Both girls turned abruptly, surprised to find a well-dressed man lounging about on their school rooftop smoking a cigarette. For his part, Reborn just looked slightly dazed; he had no idea how he ended up where he was, or even how the hell he was again an adult.

"Kurokawa Hana and Sasagawa Kyoko?" Reborn mused to himself, striding towards the pair. Both girls backed up, wary of the stranger's growing proximity. "What is going on?"

"And who the hell are you?" Hana demanded.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure that Master of yours can help?" Enma asked again, voice colored with doubt.<p>

He certainly didn't have much faith in Mukuro's abilities; he'd much rather br searching for Tsuna. The Kokuyou illusionist reminded him too much of Daemon Spade for Enma's liking.

"Master has seen a lot of horrible things," Fran dismissed blandly. "And even if he doesn't know how to kill them, he ranks higher than us on the character popularity chart, so we can just dump the problem on him."

"...You're kind of an asshole, you know that?" Enma pointed out.

Lussuria cocked his head. "I'm not sure you should break the Fourth Wall like that..."

"It's fine, you perverted peacock," Fran replied. "I break it all the time; its perfectly in-character."

PokéFan, clutching to Enma's arm (despite his best attempts to pry her off), pouted at the three males. "How could you think I'd leave my Enma for some creepy criminal? Enma and I are meant to be together!"

Enma made a moan akin to a dying animal as Fran calmly replied, "I suppose Master can be seen as attractive, particularly to those who find fruits sexually stimulating."

Both PokéFan and Lussuria gave him looks torn between disgust and horror. (Although Lussuria hardly had any right to judge any fruitophile, seeing as he'd claimed himself as a necrophile before.) Enma still seemed content to make small, whimpering noises.

"Things could be worse," Fran told the redhead in a complete deadpan.

"Easy for _you _to say, you don't have one of these things attached to your arm crowing about your eternal love," Enma muttered. PokéFan looked up at him, hurt and teary-eyed, although the action went ignored by her object of affection.

Fran stared at him. "...I have an idea."

"I don't want any part in it," Enma replied instantly.

"Don't be a spoilsport, Cozart-kun," Lussuria cooed.

To be honest, Fran didn't give a damn about what Enma wanted. Right now, what Fran wanted was to be red of this girl-thing and as long as she was attached to Enma like a tumor, they couldn't continue to look for his master. And while he was sure he could ditch Enma if he really wanted to, he wasn't quite sure he could get rid of the girl-thing that easily. I mean, she named herself after pokemon; it wasn't too far-fetched to believe she had some of their powers. (_Right_? Right.)

"Sapphire-san, you have to give up on him," Fran started, turning to the girl-thing. ('Sapphire' being the only part of her name that he could remember.) "You see, he's actually been keeping a terrible secret from everyone."

"A terrible secret?" PokéFan echoed, caught up in the moment of (faux-)mystery.

Fran nodded. "You see, Cozart Enma is not the great-great-grandson of Cozart Shimon," he paused for dramatic effect - although how he could possibly have that when all of this was being said in a droll tone was anyone's guess.

"Is that the correct number of 'great's?" Lussuria mused to himself, obviously concerned about the _semantics _than whatever show Fran was single-handedly putting on.

Fran ignored him, continuing on, "He is actually Cozart _Emma_ - Shimon's great-great-_granddaughter_. She'd been raised as a boy since she was little, as her famiglia believed only a boy could be heir to the family. She's had to dress and act like a boy all her life. And now that her revenge against the Vongola has been resolved, she is now free to be the woman she really is."

"_What?_" PokéFan cried out, releasing Enma's arm instantly and recoiling.

Enma was a lot less excited. "...what."

Fran nodded sagely, expression perfectly bland. "She's never told anyone, since she's been ashamed of her body ever since she shacked up with the rest of her famiglia. I mean, every girl in that family has an impressive rack - and what does she have to compare with that? A face guys like to kick in? A scrawny body?"

Why did Enma suddenly feel insulted? "Are you saying I'm an ugly girl?"

"I'm just saying you don't have a lot to offer a guy," Fran said. "Isn't that why you stick to the 10th Vongola boss? He's the only one who could like a flat-chested, short-legged, smashed-faced girl like you?"

Enma flushed. "Tsuna-kun doesn't judge girls on how they look - he sees a person's inner beauty!"

Lussuria wondered if he should intervene in the kids' squabble; he wasn't entirely convinced it was an act anymore. PokéFan just looked horrified that she'd apparently flirted with another female - to think! She'd been a part of- of- _YURI_!

"Wait a second!" PokéFan intervened desperately. "I saw Enma during the battle with Vongola! When he was fighting Sawada Tsuyoshi!"

"Who?" Enma asked, confused.

"Sawada Tsuyoshi, the 10th boss!" PokéFan said irritably.

"...you mean Sawada _Tsunayoshi_?" Lussuria asked gently.

PokéFan blinked. "What?"

"His name," Enma started coolly, "Is Sawada Tsu_na_yoshi."

"Yeah, well, whatever - him. And Enma totally had his shirt off - and his chest was flat!"

Fran shrugged, "I told you she's flat-chested."

"Flat _like a man!_ Even the most flat-chested girls have _some _bulge!" PokéFan pointed out irately.

"It was an illusion," Enma (suprisingly) jumped in. "An...Earth illusion. We have those. I use them all the time."

PokéFan scowled. "Well, if you use them all the time, then how does _he _know about it?" she pointed to Fran.

"He's an illusionist, he could tell," Enma said.

PokéFan frowned, unconvinced. Enma tentatively added, "And he's my...penpal."

Fran nodded. "Yeah, there's a new inter-famiglia penpal program."

"To promote mafia peace!" Lussuria added cheerfully.

"But why would you tell him about your, er, real identity?" PokéFan demanded.

Fran blinked slowly, as if she was acting particularly dense about something very obvious. "Because...we're dating. She's my girlfriend."

"You just insulted her a few minutes ago!"

Fran shrugged, "Maybe that's how we show affection? You don't know us. I like flat-chested, short-legged, face-smashed older women. They're my type."

Lussuria nodded sagely. "He's always had a very specific type."

Enma looked physically ill, even as he added, "Yeah, we were just about to meet up for some...alone time. Before you came. You should go. I need to...be alone...with my boyfriend."

"So then why is he here too?" PokéFan asked, pointing to Lussuria and clearly grasping at straws.

Lussuria _sparkled_, "I'm the chaperone!"

"That's a poor choice," Enma muttered.

PokéFan fell to her knees with a whimper. "What's up with this? I feel so weak all of a sudden..."

The three males shared a look, before Enma turned back to her and, with a very straight face, said, "I am desperately in love with...with..."

"Fran," Lussuria supplied helpfully.

"Yes, him," Enma agreed. "I am desperately in love with Fran. Irrevocably in love with him, with every particle of my female being."

PokéFan _screamed_. "That's not possible! Shut up! I don't want to hear this!"

"He makes my fair maiden heart quiver-"

"_No_!"

"-with need. We even have matching promise rings, and on my birthday he took me to watch the fireworks-"

Lussuria and Fran, off to the side, watched the entire scene with morbid fascination. "Cozart-kun seems to be enjoying himself," Lussuria mused.

"And," Enma began ominously, "He even _took my virginity_."

(Lussuria choked.)

PokéFan was sobbing hysterically, hands over her ears and shaking her head violently. "It's not possible, it's not possible, it's not possible!" she cried.

"I still remember what it felt like to have him-"

"NOOOOOOOO!" PokéFan raged - before black print began to appear all over her skin, blotting out her pale complexion almost completely. No part of her was spared - her eyes, her hair, the tips of her fingers; the same two words stained over and over again until she became completely obsidian. She froze, silent and completely void of distinguishable features; she smelled of ash, and slowly, her form began to crumble away into nothing.

The words? '_Crack Pairing'_.

* * *

><p>Tsuna was panicking. At this point he'd usually be quivering to himself, muttering about how everything was hopeless and how he was going to <em>diediediedie<em>, hopefully just enough to irk Reborn into shooting him with a Hyper Dying Will bullet. Or, in more recent cases, downing a few HDW pills himself and saving himself the pain of being killed and revived. Unfortunately for Tsuna, not only were his pills mysteriously gone (he fully blamed Tsunako, in the privacy of his own head), Reborn was also missing from their mismatched party and was probably nowhere near sane enough to shoot him anyway.

Remarkably, Tsuna was keeping his composure in his current predicament. Sure, he was still using Mukuro as his own human shield (occasionally enacting small acts of violence on the older boy when he looked to be Going Under), but other than the occasional cry of terror, he was holding up pretty well. Hell, as long as he didn't look in Yamamoto's and Gokudera's direction for any length of time, he may even escape this interaction unscathed!

"Takeshi-chan, we should go on a date~!" Gokudera suggested cheerfully.

_It was a nice dream while it lasted_, Tsuna mused, still refusing to look in their direction but too afraid to make any sudden moves, lest Tsunako's attention move back to him. She seemed perfectly content to eyesex the sporadically-twitching Mukuro at the moment.

"Hahaha, did you really use the '-chan' suffix, Gokudera? How unlike you!" Yamamoto pointed out with a smile. "Does this mean you really like me?"

"I've always loved you, Takeshi-chan!"

Tsuna grabbed Mukuro's arm. "Mukuro, what do we do now? I feel like we just broke Gokudera-kun for _good_!"

"...her eyes are like pools of crimson, the color of blood on a rose sprouting from a poisoned apple..." Mukuro murmured dreamily, staring into Tsunako's - _you guessed it _- red eyes.

Tsuna smacked him again. "_Please stop faltering!_"

Mukuro rubbed his red cheek, scowling fiercely but reserving his ire for the petite girl nearby rather than the hysterical boy attached to him. (It wouldn't do to kill Sawada Tsunayoshi now - as one of the Immune, he'd prove valuable later.) The illusionist glanced over at Yamamoto, who was currently contending with a cuddly Gokudera.

"I have to say," Mukuro noted aloud. "Gokudera Hayato never really struck me as the girly-uke type."

Gokudera went completely still, both arms still wrapped around Yamamoto's arm. Silver hair shadowed his face, hiding his expressions - but something was obviously wrong. Soon enough, the bomber began to tremble from head-to-toe, and everyone save the trapped Yamamoto took a step back on instinct.

"_Who the hell_," Gokudera ground out, head turning to glare at Mukuro with complete hatred, "Are you calling _girly_?"

Tsunako visibly twitched. "Um, Hayato-kun, it's okay to be effeminate. I mean, it's very cute and-"

"Shut up, bitch, who said I was talking to you?" Gokudera screamed, releasing Yamamoto's arms and pivoting to glare over everyone assembled.

Before his eyes landed on Tsuna.

Almost immediately, the glare was turned into large, adoring eyes. "Tenth! You're here too?" Pause. "Actually, what are we doing here? Are we training? Where's Reborn-san?"

Puppy ears sprouted atop Gokudera's head as he lunged for Tsuna's hand, eyes bright and smile just as sunny. "Are you training us, Tenth? That's so awesome! We can all learn so much from-"

"_Hayato-kun_!" Tsunako interjected, looking confused at being-being _cursed at _by someone who had just started adoring her.

Gokudera gave her a sideways glare. "Who the hell are you?"

This time, _everyone _froze. Tsuna just stared, slack-jawed, at his self-proclaimed right-hand man. "G-Gokudera-kun? You...you really don't remember anything?"

"Remember what, Tenth? Have I forgotten something important?" Gokudera asked, looking ashamed he had forgotten something his boss obviously found crucial. Before he could start apologizing profusely - likely by bowing so far down his head reacquaints itself with the ground - Mukuro appeared behind him and swatted him with his trident - effectively knocking him unconscious.

"Don't call my delicate flower a 'bitch'!" Mukuro snapped, anger clear across his handsome features. He twirled his trident like a baton, striking a pose that left Tsunako breathless with desire. The way his violet hair shined in the sun, looking like a ribbon of night against the sunny backdrop was breathtaking. Their eyes locked together, riveted with passion and a darkness only the two of them could see and understand.

"Mukuro-kun," Tsunako sighed, eyes shimmering with tears of longing and fidelity. "I love you."

Ryohei and Hibari both froze, distraught at Tsunako's announcement. The girl they loved, the girl they would fight and die for, loved another! How could they go on, knowing they'd never get her love in return? How would they recover from this emotional tragedy?

"Mukuro!" Tsuna cried, looking far more devastated than the two whose failed love lives had apparently shattered their wills to live. "Stop! _Think about Chrome-chan_!"

Mukuro froze, the inner struggle clear as varying emotions flickered across his face. Tsunako moved a step forward, one hand outstretched in a dramatic pose that spoke of far too many soap operas to be healthy.

"Tsuna," Yamamoto said, eyes and voice equally serious. "We have to fight fire with fire."

Tsuna took a moment to think about that - before turning red. "I am _not _kissing Mukuro!"

Yamamoto blinked at him, confused. "Of course not. Why would you do that?" Before Tsuna could respond, the baseball player continued on calmly. "I mean it's time to get serious. We need to use our flames."

"But I don't have my pills on me and Reborn isn't here to shoot me!" Tsuna cried, not even thinking about how strange that claim would sound to normal people. He'd given up on normal a long time ago.

Yamamoto just smiled at him. "Tsuna...**we don't need to follow the rules of Canon anymore**."

Flames burst atop Tsuna's head. Everyone present stared at him, entranced by the abrupt power surge, even Tsunako - though she still looked calm. Tsuna was alarmed when flames burst from his shoulder blades and around his fists as well - but he was even more disturbed when he realized what they were.

"Why are my flames _glittery_?" he shrieked.

Yamamoto smiled enigmatically, "**Welcome to Fanon**."

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: I'm a bit sad I couldn't include as many excerpts from TvTropes as I would have liked. The only good thing is I finally got rid of PokéFan. She only deserved to live for one chapter! And next chapter you get to see what Chrome and the others are up to...the Resistance gets stronger! :)

And yes, I know; FranxGirl!Enma also made me weep. Even if it's fake-Girl!Enma.

I apologize if this chapter mentally harmed you. I also apologize for any future harm.

_Be kind and **drop a review!**_


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